When You Don't Have Answers, Don't Fill in the Blanks

When my mother passed away, my siblings and I knew almost nothing about her estate.

We didn't even know she had a living trust until we were served with a Notice of Trust Administration. Suddenly, we learned there was a trust, who the trustee was, and who the beneficiaries were.

But knowing there was a trust seemed to create even more questions.

What assets did my mother own? What bank accounts did she have? Were the assets listed in the trust actually in the trust? Had anything been sold? And if so, what happened to the money?

We didn't know.

And the answers weren't exactly being freely shared with us.

We Had More Questions Than Answers

Sometimes our questions went unanswered. Sometimes we received vague answers. And sometimes it felt like we received an answer to a completely different question.

It was frustrating. But I think the harder part was what happened when we didn't get an answer.

My imagination filled in the blanks.

If they won't tell us, maybe there's something to hide. If we don't know where the money went, maybe someone took it. If we're getting vague answers, maybe someone isn't telling us the truth.

Some of our suspicions may have had merit. Others may not have. The problem was that, at that point, we didn't know.

Looking back, I think that's an important distinction.

Not having information isn't evidence of what happened. It's evidence that you don't have the information yet.

It took me a while to learn that.

I Had to Stop Guessing and Start Asking

When you're suspicious, it's tempting to jump ten steps ahead. I certainly did. But before assuming someone was hiding something, I needed to start with something much simpler.

Had I actually asked for the information I wanted?

Not mentioned it during a conversation. Not asked a sibling who might know. Not assumed that someone should have automatically given it to me.

Had I clearly asked?

Over time, I learned to be more specific. Instead of asking a broad question like, “What happened to Mom's money?” I could identify the actual information or document I was looking for.

I also began to prefer asking in writing. Not because every request needed to sound like a legal demand, but because writing made things clearer. There was less chance of misunderstanding what I had asked, and I had a record of both my request and any response.

Sometimes a simple email was enough.

And sometimes it wasn't.

Not Getting an Answer Doesn't Tell You Why

This may have been one of the harder lessons for me. When someone doesn't answer a question, it's easy to decide why they're not answering it.

Maybe they're hiding something.

But maybe they don't know the answer. Maybe they don't understand what you're asking. Maybe they don't realize you're expecting a response. Maybe they don't believe they have to provide the information.

And yes, sometimes someone may intentionally withhold information.

The problem is that silence alone doesn't tell you which explanation is true.

I learned that I needed to separate what I suspected from what I knew. Then I could start gathering the information that might help me tell the difference.

That didn't mean ignoring my instincts. It meant not treating my instincts as evidence.

Start With the Simplest Step: Ask

If you're in that place right now—where you know there's a trust or estate but feel like everyone else knows more about it than you do—I would start with the simplest step.

Ask.

Clearly. Specifically. And, when possible, in writing.

That doesn't guarantee you'll get the information. We certainly didn't get every answer just because we asked. But the response, or lack of one, can help you figure out what to do next. And that's where another question eventually became much more important for me.

Instead of continuing to ask, “Why won't they give us the information?”, I needed to start asking, “Are we legally entitled to receive it?”

Those are very different questions.

What If You've Asked and Still Aren't Getting Answers?

That's where things can become more complicated. Who has the right to receive information can depend on things like whether you're a beneficiary, the type and status of the trust, and whether the person who created the trust is still living.

I talk more about what I learned about those first steps and why I now think asking should come before assuming in the video below.

Trustee Won't Tell You Anything? What to Do When You're Left in the Dark

In this video, I share what it was like when we couldn't get clear answers about my mother's trust and the steps I learned to take before jumping to conclusions.

From “Why Won't They Tell Me?” to “Do I Have a Right to Know?”

For me, that was an important shift.

I couldn't force someone to answer a question simply because I wanted the answer. Before deciding what to do next, I needed to understand whether I actually had a legal right to the information I was requesting.

That's one reason I created my free Can I Request a Trust Accounting? quiz.

The quiz walks you through some of the questions that may affect whether you have the right to request financial information from a California trust or estate. When you finish, you'll also receive my free Beneficiary Accounting Toolkit, which walks you through the first steps for requesting that information.

[TAKE THE FREE ACCOUNTING QUIZ]

When my siblings and I started this process, there were so many blank spaces that it was easy to fill them with our own explanations.

I've learned to resist that urge.

Ask the question. Ask for the document. Follow up. Find out what information you may actually be entitled to receive. Then let the information you uncover tell you what happened.

Don't fill in the blanks. Start asking for the information that can fill them for you.